I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
