party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
