what day is it and did you see me today?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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