So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
