my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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