I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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