found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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