i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
