my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize