If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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