I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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