I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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