Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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