Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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