I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Randomize
