So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Sorry my hands just texted you
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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