oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
