i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
