i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
