I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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