Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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