forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
