i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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