a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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