I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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