Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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