what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
