I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
