your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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