If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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