I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
