The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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