Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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