I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
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