Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'm passing your future prison.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
