You can't special order awesome
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
