We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
