I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
