alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
