Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
