Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
