Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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