Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We got so high we made milksteak
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
