If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
