He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
