last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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