so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
