Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
