i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
