We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
