Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
