Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
