i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
