Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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