Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Is it because I queefed?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
