we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
