im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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