What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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