I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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